Giving up on myself just isn’t an option. However, that's not always been the case. Like you, I've had my fair share of good days and bad days.
It is those awful days in the past when I would want to give up on myself, on life, on everything. However, I knew if I were to follow through with it what that would mean. The end. No more.
So I did what I had to do and gathered whatever strength I could find within, no matter how small and insignificant, to get me through another day and hope that tomorrow would be better.
Now I don't have the patent on pain and suffering, no of us have. But I can say, with all honesty, that I've had more than my fair share of challenges in my one lifetime. Here's what I've dealt with in just the past eight years alone:
• Buried my Dad after he was killed in a workplace accident (Jul 08)
• Nursed my Mum from diagnosis to death from Small Cell Lung Cancer (Nov 08)
• 9 Month Deployment to the Middle East (Jul 11 - Apr 12)
• Breast Cancer Diagnosis (Nov 12)
• 2 x Breast Cancer Surgeries (Nov & Dec 12)
• 4 x Chemotherapies (Jan-Apr 13)
• 33 x Radiotherapies (Apr-Jul 13)
• Lasted 18 Months of the 5 Years Hormone Treatment due to Hormone Imbalance (Jul 13 - Dec 15)
• 1st Mental Health Relapse (Anxiety + Depression)
• Self-Sabotage via Emotional Eating + Drinking
• 2nd Mental Health Relapse (Anxiety + Depression)
• Interstate Move of Home + Work
• 3rd Mental Health Relapse (Anxiety + Depression)
• 1 x Gangrenous Appendix
The list goes on. It's a lot when you break it down and look at it like that, isn't it? However, unfortunately, for me, that's my life. My reality. There’s no escaping it. Trust me; I’ve tried. I’ve tried through drinking numerous bottles of alcohol. I found plenty of numbness during this process, but no answers or escapism. The only thing I found was massive weight gain and even more self-loathing of myself and what was left of my so-called life.
When the only alternative is death, it's kind of a big motivator to live. It's an attention grabber of sorts. So live I do, as best I can. I'm certainly not perfect at it, in fact, I take imperfect action every single day by putting one foot in front of the other and continually working towards my goals. No matter how slow or unsuccessful, they may seem.
No, it isn't easy. Not ever. Yes, it's hard. Every day. However, nothing in life worth having ever came easy, and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Especially on my not so good days, of which there are still many. Thankfully they are getting fewer and far between.
Just as long as I'm doing the best I can on any given day, that's all I can ask of myself. Baby steps.
So please, tell me, am I the only one who feels like this?
Photography by Bayleigh Vedelago Photography